Drowning in your Choices

8 May

Those who have worked far away from home or are still working away from home can relate to this….You are away, doing what you thought, dreamed and loved to do. Changing your world. And then you get exhausted. You question the worth of your cause. You do not know the meaning of things anymore. You want to go home. Where is home?

I guess it is the long absence from the people you love or at least those you used to love that complicates things. The short rest and recuperation break cannot mend the calcifying barrier.

When you arrive ‘home’ for the short break, you are exhausted. Maybe from the harsh environment, work, travel or from everything. All you want to do is rest and sleep in. You slip into your PJs and maybe sleep for two days uninterrupted. You have always done that, and ‘your people’, ‘your loved ones’ know you need that rest. They do not interrupt.

Then when you are fully rested, time has run out for you. You want to immerse yourself into their lives, but they too have their schedules. They are busy. You are late again.

Then you start imagining that you are happier while away. Everyone seems to be leading at least two lives at once, all constantly feeling that they’re ‘in the wrong place.You want to return to your busyness. When you do, your heart is heavy. You cannot express this heaviness because it is difficult to talk. You want to get back home and talk. But you remain quiet when you get back home again. Because you do not want to interrupt anything. You are afraid to choose between things. This barrier is not noticeable at first, but in the long run, it is so loud. And at that time, every thing around is breaking apart.

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but I am not sure if those who said that had completely explored the effects of distance on the heart. Because you do not know how to deal with people’s emotions anymore.

Working in the field takes a toll on a person and the effects on that person’s life and family are not very comprehensible.
Isabelle Reed  in the movie Louder than Bombs tries to explain it. “They want you there, they love you, and you can feel it. And you love them too. More than anything. But you still feel that you are in their way. In the way of what they usually do. And then you get the feeling that you are in the wrong place. It is not that they don’t want you. But they don’t really need you.”

At last you make your choices and your decisions blow up on your face. You ran out of chances. There is no right choice.
You choose to distance yourself. From everything. From everyone. You are depressed. You are sinking. You are drowning. If you are lucky, there is someone who notices and saves you, if not, you drown in your choices.

Petition to get Bi Mswafari off our TV screens!!!

31 Jan

Andanje

image

I am seething inside. The sort of anger that makes the bull charge when he sees the matador waving a red flag.
Why do Kenyans allow such atrocities on TV? Week after week they sit, glued to their TV screens ready to watch the “re-known  marriage counsellor”according to her fb page.

Re-known? We can work with that. But marriage counsellor? Come on! She is more off a flag bearer for male chauvinism in Kenya. I like to think there is more to marriage than a man’s ego and self importance. Her page goes on to say she is internationally recognized! Wait a minute, you mean the international community also tunes in to watch this?!

There is also a page of 4224 men who agree with her views. The page states thus
“Recently,there is a TV program that has come to
the rescue of men against the modern lady.She
gives a…

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Gods must be crazy

26 Jan

Every time I see  a smile on someone’s face, I smile too. It is infectious. And I think to myself, that one must be having a good day, or something good is happening to them, or  they remembered a joke they had missed, or they just had a shag, or they saw another smile, or hell yeah they just killed someone. Well, there are no limits for my thoughts.

Today I met with this person who makes me smile every other time I meet with her. I have never spoken to her because we meet at awkward places. Those weird corners that you cannot stop to have a conversation. I hurrying to escape from the blazing heat of the sun, her cutting (sic) those corners in great speed as if going to put out some fire. But we always exchange unspoken greetings, one or two nods like the Agama lizard. Maybe I am afraid speak to her because she wears ‘ i-will-cut-you-up-and- eat-you’ look. She is always in a hurry and immersed in loud song from her radio or phone strapped on the passenger seat of her bicycle, singing along or whistling. Her bicycle is those long high models, maybe it is a Black Mamba. But it serves her well, or so I think, by the way she eats (sic) those corners in high speed like Chris Froome.One day when I speak to her, maybe I should ask her to join Tour de France or a similar competition.

When I met her today, we exchanged our usual, and a smile emblazoned on my face. Then my mind was at it again. This mind of mine… Every time I see her on the bicycle, pedaling away, I  am reminded of the sequel Gods must be crazy. The entire movie cracks me up. I have listed it on my to-watch list for when I need a good laugh. It precedes Sex and the City series and movie, that slaps me awake in the face of gal issues ( okay I don’t think I have such a list, but I should come up with one).

Now there is this part in the second movie or sequel of Gods must be crazy that is about this guy who rides a bicycle. I think it is amongst my many LOL parts. I am tickled whenever i remember it. Now every time I see my lady on the bicycle, my mind reels back to that scene. I can’t help smiling every time I meet her. Maybe the gods aren’t  crazy, someone is.

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